Bachelor Party

A few months ago I shared a very important rule for you ladies spending time in a man’s castle, his place. I discussed the importance of not peeking in his medicine cabinet because you invade his privacy and in some cases, may find a little more than you were looking for…like Viagra! But you can’t tell women anything, yall think you know everything and can do things your way at all times. Sorry to inform you, you can’t get your way all of the time, especially when you’re breaking the rules of the house.

A man’s home is his palace, it’s his place of comfort, of peace and most important, it’s his place! There’s a list of unwritten rules located next to the front door that you should abide by until the time comes when he allows you to amend those rules to fit the two of you. Until then, play by the rules you don’t see, in other words, don’t get too comfortable baby! The moment that comfort sets in, you may find that you’ve fractured too many rules and your visits have infringed upon his bachelorhood.

So I’ve decided to share only a few of those rules (I can’t break the man code), to help a few of you smile through the holiday season:

1. Keep your shoes on! Especially on your first few visits, that’s just way too comfortable when you’re still getting to know a brother and he doesn’t like that, trust me.

2. If you make it to the bedroom and he leaves you in there, do not open his nightstand! Too invasive! A man likes to keep some of his most personal and prized possessions in his nightstand, social security card, pictures of ex’s and condoms. The last thing he needs is you getting your eyes or hands on any of those items.

3. Do not touch the remote control! I don’t care if you can’t hear a word being said on “Basketball Wives”; ask him to turn it up. I mean, if the remote is gently rubbing up against your thigh, pass it to him to adjust the decibels.

4. Don’t complain about the toilet seat being up! Is his place, he doesn’t need the seat down but once or twice a day.

5. Don’t give him tips on decorating! If he wanted a woman’s touch, he would’ve asked his mom to go to Ikea with him.

6. Don’t ever leave anything behind. I repeat, don’t ever, ever, ever, ever, ever leave your comb, socks, earrings, bra, diaphragm, or anything stuck in the couch, in the covers, on the bathroom sink or any other clever hiding places you can think of. We know the tricks and to be honest, other women don’t give a damn!

7. Don’t ask for a toothbrush! That sounds a little too permanent. However, don’t bring your own either, looks like you do this a little too often. Just wear the morning on your way out to the car.

8. Don’t criticize his cooking! Not every brother is Wolfgang Puck, but don’t tell him he can’t cook, just suggest that you guys order in next time.

9. Do not eat in his bed! Cookies and cakes leave crumbs and you may have come across the most anal brother in the world, the dude that keeps a Dirt Devil Plus next to the bed and this violation may get you out in the cold in the middle of the night.

10. Never assume you’re staying the night! If he invites you over at 6, he may expect you to be gone at 9. A standard three-hour visit is good. Many of us find it hard to tolerate you in larger clips. So showing up with an overnight bag if you traveled anything less than an hour is frowned upon by the man of the house.

11. Do not get drunk! If the two of you indulge in some adult beverages, do not consume more than you can handle. You may find yourself naked or sick, in either case, that three-hour visit may turn into an overnight thing and he doesn’t want to take care of you throwing up or stay awake all night because the drunk girl is snoring (and he can’t get none)

These are just a few of the dozens of rules guys have when it comes to their cribs, they vary by the dude and you may be seeing someone that has a Christmas list of items he can’t put up with, so trad softly, because ain’t nothing cute about heading home early (or late) in the cold. This is another public service announcement from The World According to Teef.

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