The 2010 Year in Review: I Wish with no Fear

I want a wife, I love women/How can I front like I don't be in love with 'em?

De La Soul "Trying People"

Shoutout to Trugoy!

I can't help but think that I'm misunderstood from time to time, no matter how many times I explain it, how many ways I spell it out, there are always folks quick to assume the worst when it comes to things I write. Behind last week's "Treat Her Like a Lady" post, I'm too harsh on women, I'm never gonna get a woman, I'm a misogynist, and I should be ashamed of myself for talking about that way during Women's History Month. Did I take it easy on Niggas during Black History Month? Here's the truth (You can't handle the truth!), nothing but the truth; I love women and hold them to the highest possible standard imaginable, because I know the strength of women and the limitless possibilities, so I push the women in my life to be greater than they ever expected to be. Just as I hope she pushes me to be as great as I could possibly be. If that's too much for you, take your low-expectation having ass somewhere else and let me do what I came to do.

Back to my business…

In my opinion, falling in love encompasses a type of vulnerability that frightens the hell out of me. If you ever wondered, my fear in life is placing my emotions at the feet of someone else and expecting them to do right by me, and in turn they step on or step over those feelings. I purposely live my life on the outside of my feelings out of protection for myself, doesn't always work for the women that involve themselves with me, but that's where I was. Notice I said was…

I've been in love once, maybe twice. Sure I've loved various women at various stages of my life for various reasons, but as far as being in love and wanting that forever type of thing, the number of surgeries I've had outnumbers that. Some people see the point, I only see the pain and that's an issue. The pain…

It's funny how damn near dying makes you realize how close you were to never having really loved. Until my appendix went haywire I was totally cool with living the rest of my days alone, then my body crashed and I realized just how alone I was. I wasn't alone in the sense that I had to sit up in the hospital by myself, but my recovery was done for the most part solo. So, while I was convalescing, I was also doing a self-inspection and deciding I was ready to conquer my fear. The fear…

What exactly drives this fear? Loss, plain and simple. I've insulated myself to avoid the feeling of losing people close to me. It takes a lot for me to connect to people and to extend myself, my heart into a romantic relationship in which I'm completely exposed to the possibility of being hurt is unacceptable, at least it was.

Was…

Here's the thing, despite all of my bullshit, I'm an easy person to love. The difficulty is getting that same love out of me, because oftentimes, it isn't reciprocated the way you may expect, deserve or need it to be. It leaves women dancing around eggshells because I'm so emotionally unavailable that you don't know what's going through my mind, all the while I'm trying to protect myself from the pain. Pain…

I'm 31, with not a relationship I can call successful on my record, so might as well call it quits correct? Stick to the lifestyle I've come to enjoy, a string of aimless liaisons and maybe one day I'll stumble into something of substance. Or, I can man up to my reservations and face the fear. Fear…

The question is asked about the type of woman that piques my interest? I'm not going to advertise the type, but she always knows who she is when presented to me. How does she know? She sees parts of me that no one else does. I'm willing to bare to her what I won't share in a blog. She knows how difficult it is for me to say how I feel about her, because the thought of her not accepting or misusing that feeling terrifies me. She knows that in her, I have no fears, I have no qualms. She understands that my wish of forever is not common, so she is extraordinary; she has unearthed a rarity in my soul. She knows that when it comes to her, I wish with no fear…

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