The Black Man’s Guide to Sex and the City 2

We’re in the midst of Memorial Day weekend and Brothers are getting ready for barbecues, Black Bike Week in Myrtle Beach, basketball and Hip-Hop Weekend on South Beach, but a segment of the population is being dragged to one of the biggest chick flicks of all-time, Sex and the City 2. I feel your pain dawg, but here’s a guide to help you get through the next 146 minutes of wasted life. If you’re among the unfortunate to have been duped into seeing it already, my condolences, hope you were able to keep your wits about you through the fantastical voyage of materialism and makeshift relationships.

• Don’t Even Wonder

Never ask why she wants to see this movie. Although the idea of four White women gallivanting around New York City devoid of diversity is beyond your thinking, you are not to question what she enjoys about the show or the movies, it is not for you.

• Do Not Suggest She Go With Her Friends

Her friends are single, recently divorced or in relationships with a man they can’t stand, this has the potential to become an explosive situation, take one for the home team and tough it out.

• Let Her Pay

Whatever you do, stick to your guns and do not support this film monetarily. I don’t care what you have to come up with, spend a little more on dinner, forget to go to the ATM, lose your wallet, pay all of your bills on time, do not give your duckets to this movie!

• This is not a Tyler Perry Film

There’s a chance there may actually be parts of this movie that you’ll enjoy, don’t be surprised, just don’t go overboard and run out to buy the complete DVD box set of the series afterwards.

• Perfect Resting your Eyes

Your granddaddy was the champ at it, getting sleep in 5-10 minute clips without anyone really noticing he was sleep, now it’s your turn to put it into practice. The key is getting in a comfortable movie watching position and zoning out, but staying aware enough to open your eyes if she moves or says something.

• When You Hit the Wall…

Remember a happy woman’s worth her weight in gold and though you’re wishing you were being interrogated about cheating rather than watching this movie, the reason is sitting about a foot away from you…as a matter of fact, pull her closer!

• Do Not Check Your Cell Phone!

Put it on silent, leave it in the car, shut it off, but don’t check the time or the score of the game while she’s into her movie, you’re showing that you have somewhere else you’d rather be and she’ll be sure not to give you any after the movie.

• Tone Down Your Inner Hater

At some point you’re going to want to shout at the screen, “That’s some White girl sh*t!” and you’ll be right, but this is not the time, actually, there is never a time when it comes to Sex and the City with your woman.

• When She Projects…

Let her have her moment, she’s going to identify with a scene and you’re going to just sit there, even though you believe it is not relative to your relationship whatsoever.

• It’s OK if You Enjoy the Movie…

Just don’t tell your boys, the ridicule is not worth it!

• Keep the Lie Alive

Even if the movie is worse than Phat Beach, say it was ok when she asks if you liked it, that’s a suitable answer for something you didn’t want to see in the first place. Keep a few mental notes to discuss in the car on the way home, but that’s as far as the discussion goes, anything more and your not watching will be found it.

• Never Use This as a Bargaining Chip

When you’re trying to see The A-Team in a few weeks or want her to get a little freaky in the bedroom, do not use the argument, “Well I went to see Sex and the City 2 with you!”…epic fail!

• Brownie Points

If you make it through this without having to be shaken awake, leaning over to say “this is some BS” or suggesting that yall can catch The Prince of Persia if you leave now you’ve guaranteed yourself some bonus points. These bonus points will be translated into two argument-free strip club trips (real feedback needed for lapdances to be allowable), leaving the toilet seat up for a few days, watching three consecutive episodes of SportsCenter without her asking, “Didn’t we just watch this?” and maybe, just maybe some fried chicken for those of you fellas with health conscious ladies in your life.

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