She's Not You

She's Not You

Labels: Relationships

So what is it about her?

Ladies, if you’ve asked a man this question, chances are you’ve already answered it many times over. It’s not something you necessarily had to verbally convey (sometimes), but more times than not, it’s just certain things about you that doesn’t translate well when a man wants a woman for a relationship. We want everything in a woman -- she has to be assertive and independent, yet allow a man to feel like a man. We want her to have her own and want more, help us to reach our potential, but without being reminded of it every day.

We want her to be our friend, be able to watch the game with her after eating a home cooked meal or catch a movie or Broadway show and she’s equally comfortable at either. Her career has to fulfill her and her faith define her. She has to believe in us, yet, know she is the shit, turn heads, but have eyes only for him. She knows her words are needed and when to listen, when to lead and how to be led. She understands how to love a Black man and wants to be respected as a Black woman. We want someone who hasn’t been hardened by life or made bitter by previous cats and open to love and growth and change. And yes…we want a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed. In a word, we want a Superwoman. Every woman.

She’s. Not. You.

Here’s the part when you go off and say I don’t have my shit together either, that I’m no Boris Kudjoe or Barack Obama. No I’m not, but I’m also not going to settle for anyone that doesn’t meet the standards I live by. I’m not saying you don’t possess any of these qualities, I’m just saying you don’t have enough for me to consider anything beyond what we had. You’re cool to kick it with and that little trick you do is nice, but I can’t see taking a leap over the broom with you, the cons definitely outweigh the pros in making whatever you call that thing we had serious.

But you want to know what it is that made me choose her and not you, intimating that there were one or three areas where she rated higher than you and totally discounting how she made me feel, like there was some scorecard counting the good and the bad about each of you. You want me to compare and contrast the two of you, when the truth is; there is no comparison, because there is no comparison. However, you insist on wanting to know, driving yourself crazy, like you’d really address your gray areas if you were told what they are. You’ve had years to get past this point in your life and if missing out on a man is what gets you there, how long would any change sustain? Still, this doesn’t deter you from asking anyone who would listen…

What is it about her that made him choose her over me?

Take her out of the conversation, make it solely about you and me and you’ll find some answers:

·        Our career trajectories don’t mesh: I’m x amount of years in on a career and you have a job, something you hate, but don’t really have the skills to do much more. That’s an added layer of stress I don’t need.

·        I’m paying this mortgage or rent and you’re going in on groceries with your mother, upset that she didn’t buy the right brand of turkey sausage. We’re a little too old for roommates, especially those of the parental unit type.

·        You have kids. I know this is a touchy area, but I enjoy the flexibility my life has and being with someone that has children restricts that flexibility. If it doesn’t, because you continually put your kids aside for me, you’re not what I’m looking for anyway.

·        I have no clue what you believe in: In all of our time knowing one another, there’s nothing you’ve shown yourself to be convicted in…aside from knowing that you hate most of the chicks on “Basketball Wives”, I don’t know how you feel about much.

·        There’s no true connection between us: There’s an excitement that comes over me when I think of her or hear her name, butterflies in my stomach when I see her, a genuine want to be with her. I had none of that with you and there’s your answer, she’s not you.