Dear Summer: It’s like Déjà Du All over Again

Today is the first day of Summer and if the weather in recent weeks is any indication, we’re in for a hot one! You know what that means, it’s gonna be a few fights and few more feelings hurt, because your cousins don’t know how to act when the mercury rises. More sun equals less clothes; even in cases when we shouldn’t see much more than a face and ashy ass hands, but your people need to appeal to their sexy and damn near show us their birth canal or nappy chest hair.
I don’t know about you, but the overbearing heat is much more than I can stand on most days, so to deal with the tacky that people unleash on the world really irks my nerves. Each year, I compile a list of rules that if followed, will lead to a pleasurable and memorable summer. However, it never seems to work out well, because folk just wanna do what they wanna do, regardless of how stupid they look.
In any case, the 2011 Summer Rules are as follows:
·         This is the Golden Rule, it never changes and I can’t stress its importance enough…moisturize! Everywhere you go; there should be a spot check to make sure that the day isn’t showing on your skin. Make sure that every part of you that’s revealed is touched up at least four times a day. Especially you ladies that wear those strappy sandals, those things wreak havoc on your foot. Ladies keep some lotion in your purse, the desk, glove compartment and the same goes for you fellas, snatch up some Nivea for Men or Palmer’s Cocoa Butter to keep near your person at all times.
·         We’re a little too old to smell like you’ve been playing ball all day. If you know you’re a heavy sweater and tend to get a bit musty, try to keep your pits dry and armed with deodorant that really fights against odor. I suggest Degree, but you know your body chemistry better than me, just make sure that you’re not losing the hygiene game.
·         This one is for my La-Dies! Especially for those that have given birth in the last year and have not hit the gym…if you have not worked your way back down to your pre-baby body, do not wear your pre-baby body clothes! Especially your shoes! No one wants to see you teetering on four inch heels, looking like you’re about tip in any direction because your body moving every which way. You’re somebody’s mama, dress like it!
·         Each summer there’s a gang of “White Affairs”, boat rides and the such (we on still on that?), but quite a few of you are picking up pieces from various stores and trying to throw them together. Nah playa, bone and eggshell white are different, subtle, but different. Make sure that your whites match up or don’t do it at all.
·         More than two of you fellas have not been in the gym…at all! That means you need to follow my lead and keep your shirts on! We have developed these bellies for comfort, not sexy; it’s for your lady not the world.
·         I don’t want to see any Uggs this summer…
·         Knock it off with the knock-offs! No way you’re carrying a $1,000 purse and rocking those cheap ass shoes!
·         Speaking of shoes…get your footwear for the summer, let those run down heels and dingy sneakers go!
·         Add some culture to your diet this year…
·         For the Boyz N the Hood…we stopped wearing Timbs with shorts when DMX was hot!
·         No dark liquor for the summer, I’m tired of the “Rest in Peace” t-shirts, you know Hennessey and Remy lead to bar fights and bullets over barbeque. It’s time to transition to summer drinks like mojitos or Tom Collins, Coco Loso, electric lemonade, something that keeps the mood light and a smile on your face. I’m talking to the ladies too, because too many of yall get that fire water in you and put a battery in the back of an unsuspecting brother…then his boys are singing, “This is for My Homie”!
·         Boycott Rita’s this summer and let’s get back to the Italian Icee man that rolls through your neighborhood, don’t put the little man out of business!
·         Give your scalp a rest, take out that hot ass weave and let go of the big ass wigs…I can see sweat trickling down your cheek!
·         Fellas, if you insist on showing your feet…make sure that you get them touched up at least three times this summer by Li Mai, I recommend once a month.
·         If your name isn’t Randy Moss, Udonis Haslem, or Charlie Wilson (Anyone ever notice the three of them resemble each other?), let go of the cornrows, you’re too damn old to be getting heat rash!
·         Many of you have saved since last year (save = not paying the light bill, wearing the same weave for two months or not paying child support) to take an expensive vacation this summer. Please be humble about your trip, because your friends do not take kindly to hearing about you going to some exotic locale where the water is indigo blue and they're gonna be spending a few days looking at the brown water of the Jersey shore. Besides, they'll have lights, their hair done and no warrants when you return…
·         Those of you that have purchased new homes in the last few months, do not let your friends and family convince you that your new house is the cookout spot, you know them niggas are not gonna come out of pocket for all of that chicken they eat and you know your sister ain’t helping you clean up week after week!
·         As a matter of fact, let’s limit those cookouts to the backyard, I hate seeing grills next to the front stairs…
·         For all of my teachers, you have one time to tell everyone on Facebook or Twitter that you’re just getting up at 1:15pm and doing nothing the rest of the day, while we’re all working the summer away…you should be trying to figure out how your kids can pass the State exam next year anyway!
·         Many of us have RSVP'd for a wedding or two, which in itself is a summer ritual, but no reason for you to act a fool. There are special wedding rules like:
    • Don't take someone you're not ready to marry to a wedding
    • Don't take someone in anticipation of seeing your ex.
    • If it's an open bar (rare because your friends are cheap) go easy, nothing worse than being the sloppy drunk at the wedding, too much space for embarrassment.
    • Do not spend the next month talking to Him about the wedding, it is not going to make him settle down with you.
    • Stop trying to catch the bouquet; nobody is marrying your trifling self!
    • Fellas stop hitting on everything with estrogen at the wedding; the bride's auntie is off limits!
    • And please keep your comments to yourself for the day, stop hating because your girl beat you to the alter or you think your boy is trying to turn an ex-stripper into Claire Huxtable.

  • Ladies, there is absolutely no excuse for you to step out looking like Mo’Nique! Shave, wax, trim, Nair, do whatever it takes to keep your legs, underarms, bikini line, sideburns, unibrow and wherever else your follicles play hide & seek clear.

  • Trust me, you’re not missing anything, you don’t not have to be everywhere, all of the time. Pace yourself, it’s a long summer and muffling your growling stomach through lunch so you can be somewhere that weekend really ain’t worth it.

  • Find yourself a book or two to read this summer; something to help pass the time, enjoy the weather, calm your nerves and hopefully teach you a thing or two…you know that means no Street Lit! Hit me up for a list of recommendations…

  • Stop trying to hold on to someone that doesn’t want you! It’s a new Sun in the sky, love yourself a little more and you’ll find someone to love you in return. If not, so what, just be happy!

  • No complaining until after Labor Day! No one wants to hear ALL of your problems each time they see you, we’re trying to enjoy this weather, and no one wants you peeing in the pool EVERYDAY!

  • Learn how to swim!

  • Don’t let all of the fun make you lose your mind…protect yourself, one too many of you had babies this Spring!

  • The most important rule of them all is to be safe this summer, some folks are out there fired up on hate, jealousy and Hennessey, just looking to ruin someone's fun. Stay clear of them, keep your nose out of folks' affairs, follow the preceding rules and you'll have an enjoyable summer.

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