An Angel Just My Size

An Angel Just My Size

Labels: Relationships

Someone asked me the other day if I ever planned on getting married? Actually, before she could even get that question out, she was well on her way to saying what she really felt. She told me that I would be a lonely old man because I was incapable of loving anyone else besides myself. She went into this diatribe after sharing pictures of her husband and three kids with me, then reminding me of how fabulous she looks and how great her life is. I was more stunned than anything that she took me for some sort of robot or apathetic person who feels nothing for anyone else.

Yet, her statements hit home a bit and forced me to think, have I ever really loved anyone? I know I've loved a few women, been in love two or three times, told a few more I loved them because it seemed like the right thing to say. But have I ever truly been in love? That real love, the kind of love Luther sang about? Has there ever been a time when I was willing to commit to Change, submit myself to a relationship and give all that I had to a woman?

Yes! There's one person whom I developed a great friendship with in a short period of time and eventfully fell in love with. She knows me inside and out, we share laughs over things that people will never understand, she can tell me about myself with no argument from me, and she’s the person I turn to when the weight of all of the madness I deal with on a day to day basis is too much carry. She’s the yin to my yang. She’s my friend and I love her to death.

We don’t always agree on everything, but that’s the beauty of our relationship, we can disagree, see things differently and respect each other’s viewpoint. Years later, I am still in love with this woman, still get chills upon thoughts of her, still know that there’s no other woman I’d ever consider marrying.

But like the dream she is, impossible to touch, to hold, to kiss, she disappeared from my life and walks back in just when I need her most. I think she reaches out to me during those same periods too. Then that feeling reoccurs, that miserable feeling in the pit of my stomach that you get when you really love someone, that feeling when love says goodbye. It’s that feeling that doesn’t allow me to get too close with women, it’s that feeling that keeps a foot in the streets, and it’s that feeling that makes me seem so callous.

So, we keep a beautiful friendship and maybe one day our worlds will collide and I’ll be able to love her, I guess that’s like being stranded in the ocean trying to find out if hope floats. Until then, I’ll always have my Dream Lady.