The Summer Rules 2K10

The Summer Rules 2K10

Labels: Summer Rules

School's out, but class is in session. Today is the first day of summer which means that the 2010 Summer Rules are now in e-f-f-e-c-t! For the uninformed, the Summer Rules are a set of social codes that I've cultivated over the years in an attempt to ensure that we all have pleasurable and memorable summers, but your cousins find new ways year after year to sink to new lows. So, the rules evolve each summer to include the niggerdom from the year before and of course the golden rules...

• Moisturize! Please take a few minutes to rub some shea butter or Eucerin on your skin. I'm talking about more than the hot spots too; get your feet daily, elbows, knees, thighs, the pinky knuckles, that fleshy part between your thumb and index finger, and definitely your face! All that! In fact, ladies keep a travel bottle in your purse and fellas keep one in the car and at the job, you know we tend to dry out quickly.
• Make sure that your whites match for that "White Affair" or that boat ride around whatever river yall float around in your neck of the woods. It may not look like it the store, but eggshell white and bone are two different colors and that lodi dodi whose ear you're yelling in notices.
• Ladies, I don't care how you get it done, Nair, bikini or Brazilian wax or an old-fashioned shave, but please keep your legs, underarms and bikini line shaved and trim. I don't care what they do in France or what India.Arie sang, it ain't cute!
• Fellas, if you think it's cool enough to wear sandals, then you need to be cool enough to get your toes touched up once or twice. One too many of yall are showing your toes and haven't clipped them all year or ever pushed your cuticles back, you may want to take care of those crusty things before you slip on those mules.
• This is the most of important rule of them all and applies daily, not just during the next two months, but deodorant is your friend. There is never a reason for you to smell like you just finished running a full, unless you just finished running a full! So please get your hygiene in order, because as Charles Barkley once said, "Anything else will be uncivilized".
• I witnessed a major violation Saturday as a front yard cookout made its way a little further than any grill should ever travel, the sidewalk! I'm not sure who thought that was a good idea, but that was the tackiest thing I've ever seen in my life. Cookouts are made for the backyard, unless you're Down South where you have massive land and your house is squarely in the middle of it, but you East Coast folks know better.
• I'm going to need for the ladies to dress according to their sizes this summer. I'm seeing way too many of you packing too much of you into shirts a size too small. Trust me boo boo, it does not do anyone any good to see you busting at the seams while screaming Maxwell's name.
• Fellas, I'm gonna give you this one for free to help avoid some summer blues; stop using your birthdate as the password to everything! You keep wondering how your lady knows about your bust-it baby, your passwords are easy as 1-2-3, be a little more creative (I mean, if you're gonna be in these streets.)
• It is entirely ok to sit out and event or two, you don't have to dance on every set, fall back a bit and let it be an occasion when folks see you. Plus, it will give your outfits time to cycle, too many of yall are bringing back those hookups back too fast, I see the pictures on Facebook.
• Teachers, find something to do with your time, work at a day camp, go on vacation, but leave your working friends alone during the day. That means, no Facebook, Twitter or BBM's during the hours of 8:30am – 4:30pm letting us know how you're chillin'.
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  Many of us have RSVP'd for a wedding or two, which in itself is a summer ritual, but no reason for you to act a fool. There are special wedding rules like:
  • Don't take someone you're not ready to marry to a wedding
  • Don't take someone in anticipation of seeing your ex.
  • If it's an open bar (rare because your friends are cheap) go easy, nothing worse than being the sloppy drunk at the wedding, too much space for embarrassment.
  • Stop trying to catch the bouquet; nobody is marrying your trifling self!
  • Fellas stop hitting on everything with estrogen at the wedding; the bride's auntie is off limits!
  • And please keep your comments to yourself for the day, stop hating because your girl beat you to the alter or you think your boy is trying to turn an ex-stripper into Claire Huxtable.
• I know the rising mercury seems to raise our aggravation levels a bit, but it being hot outside is not a good enough reason for you to act a fool wherever the spirit moves you, control your tempers and we'll all encounter less Nigga moments this summer.
• Please pack your Uggs away with the turtlenecks and sweaters; you have absolutely no reason to pull them out in the next couple of months. Fellas, the same goes for the Timberlands, we did that in '90's.
• I really don't know why, but hanging outside is definitely a summer sport, but it shouldn't be. Please take yourself in the house at a decent hour. It can't be that hot in your place to the point that being outside feels better. If it is, Walmart has a great sale on air conditioners and fans going on right now, jump on it!
• All of you frontin' like you've been recession proof; please stop trying to get someone to go half with you on season passes to Six Flags! I haven't been in years, so splitting costs with you so you can get all of your kids a pass is not really my idea of a good investment.
• Those of you that have moved into new homes in the last few months, your place does not have to be the BBQ pit. Don't let your friends convince you to have cookouts every weekend. It's far too much work to keep that up. They don't bring food, don't help cook, bring cheap ass liquor and are too full, too drunk or too trifling to help you clean afterwards.
• Put the brown juice down! Hennessey + heat = police! Find a summer drink like a Mojito, Sex on the Beach, Tom Collins, Electric Lemonade, Long Island Iced Tea, Planter's Punch or a Woo Woo. You know drink money and bail money are opposite ends of the friend spectrum.
• Many of you have saved since last year (save = not paying the light bill, wearing the same weave for two months or not paying child) to take an expensive vacation this summer. Please be humble about your trip, because your friends do not take kindly to hearing about you going to some exotic locale where the water is indigo blue and they're gonna be spending a few days looking at the brown water of the Jersey shore. Besides, they'll have lights, their hair done and no warrants when you return…
• Remember every day is not a holiday, it is only summer, you do not have to fill your calendar with activities because the weather is nice. That get too expensive and wears on the body, stretch it out some, I can't stand when people say "I need to be doing something, it's summer". The season shouldn't dictate your want to get engaged with the rest of the world.
• As a matter of fact, I've been watching Facebook status updates and many of you need to do some summer reader, to improve not only your grammar, but your world view. Holla at me if you need some book recommendations.
• Just in case any students stumble upon this, sleeping until 2 is completely unproductive, get your ass up and clean your mama's house, read, learn to cook, get a summer class or job, but lazing around the crib is a waste and bad practice for adulthood. And please stay away from your significant others (or someone else's) without parental supervision, I've noticed a surge in babies born in April and May.
• Boycott BET and VH1 this summer, just wanted to throw that in there…
• Fellas, you're a little too old to be getting heat rash, cut those cornrows and get something that doesn't have you sweating so much.
• The big weaves and wigs are a definite no-no for the summer ladies, braid it up or go natural, but the lion's mane is really not a good look, you just look hot.
• Get that hate out your system! It is really not cute for you to spend your entire summer hating because everyone around you is enjoying their summer, taking trips, going to concerts, having a ball and you're standing still watching. Get up, get out and do something, even if it's one of those corny midnight boat rides (we still on that?), but do something besides hate on what everyone else is doing, no one wants to hear that ish all summer
• The most important rule of them all is to be safe this summer, some folks are out there fired up on hate, jealousy and Hennesey, just looking to ruin someone's fun. Stay clear of them, keep your nose out of folks' affairs, follow the preceding rules and you'll have an enjoyable summer.