Antifreeze for the Soul

Antifreeze for the Soul

I can't pinpoint the exact moment I began to change. Hell, I can't tell you much of what happened between 1997-99, but I know there have been changes over the years that have left people scratching their heads.

I imagine that I've always fashioned myself as a bit of a loner, As a child, I spent countless hours alone with my "He-Man" action figures, baseball card collection, books or a notepad, but in recent years I seemed to have regressed. I know that it has a huge affect on my relationships. I'm not speaking of the "she's in love with me, I love her, but can't show it" type of relationships, but my everyday interactions with those who know me best.

When my mom decided to relocate to Oklahoma back in 2005, I developed a severe case of insomnia, sometimes sleeping no more than two hours a night. I've been prescribed at least nine different sleep aids, but nothing seemed to work like when she came home for Christmas.

I would spend those awake hours searching the internet for any and everything to pass the time until the pills actually worked. It was at this time that I decided that I needed an outlet for the things that seemed to be stuck in my mind, so I created a blog page and coupled that with a daily e-mail to work out the things I grapple with day in and day out and my views on the world.

It never mattered if people agreed, were offended or had an opinion on what I wrote, it was my therapy. In recent years I've retreated into a corner and lived inside of my head or in my own world, not allowing anyone in too close to me. I go weeks without talking to my dad, don't see my family for months at a time and just spend days when I don't speak to anyone.

To be honest, I'm probably teetering on the edge of insanity, but it is that balance that allows me the freedom to be me, that allows my mind the room to roam to places most people never knew existed. But, it is also that balance that allows those who love me to question what it is they've done wrong or wonder why I want to spend the holidays holed up in my apartment?

Over the years, holidays have lost value for me as my outlook on the world has changed and my desire to be left alone has increased. As each family member has passed or moved, friendship gone astray, I've found happiness in my couch. I try to work my way out of these things, and the words you read from time to time are antifreeze for my soul, a way for me to express what it is I deal with 24 hours a day...welcome back to the world according to Teef!