We’re a week into summer and already working on heat wave
number two; the summer of 2012 may go down in history among the hottest summers
in history, but it could also be among the most miserable if we aren’t
following a set of rules that govern the next 85 days or so. When the mercury
rises, our inhibitions lower and the next thing you know two-piece bikinis
appear on your Facebook timeline and offer tummies we shouldn’t publicly view.
I understand confidence, but superciliousness doesn’t look good on most folks…especially
you!
Each year, your cousins continuously violate any code of
summer conduct imaginable, possibly because you aren’t sharing with them what’s
proper from June through September. So, to everyone making a dash for the beach
with their toes looking like knuckles and the fellas still rocking cornrows…I
present the Summer Rules, 2012 Edition:
·
The Golden Rule: Moisturizing is a must! Every
stop you make should inspire a check of the hotspots: knees, elbows, ankles,
wrists, that fleshy patch of skin between your thumb and pointer and fellas
please tap that pinky area. We know showing skin is a summer ritual, but if you’re
not preserving your sexy with Nivea or Eucerin, keep it covered. Ladies, if you’re
gonna rock sandals or flip-flops, keep a mini-tube of lotion on you to freshen
up your feet at least six times a day.
·
Please know your body chemistry, we’re hovering
around the 90’s most days, so your deodorant has to be able to contain your
sweat glands a little longer than 10:43 am. Degree works wonders and usually
holds you down until late in the afternoon, try it. Additionally, you may need
to find a lighter lotion for the next couple of months; no one wants to see you
sweating like Patrick Ewing when you step in the building! Time to trade in the
Aveeno…
·
Many of you ladies have given birth over the
last 8 or 9 months and that’s beautiful, but many of you haven’t done a thing
to return to pre-baby bump weight. Yes, not all of you have that Beyoncè snap
back body, so please don’t display it as if you have. I’m not saying for you
not to be proud of the body that your baby left you, I’m just saying that you’re
somebody’s mama now…dress like it!
·
Note to self: Step away from VH1 this summer…you
should too!
·
Being that you Negroes insist on attending these
“All-White Affairs” year-after-year, let’s confirm that your whites match
before stepping out the crib. Eggshell white and bone are totally different
colors, stop trying to piece together outfits from two different stores!
·
By the way, you look like an idiot with shades
on indoors, at midnight…
·
I’ve been to the gym once since last summer and
some of you fellas have been less than that; act like it and keep your shirts
on! It’s really not a good look to see you stripping down to your undershirts
and looking like you need a bra. We’ve nurtured these bellies for comfort, not
sexy, save it for your lady!
·
You with the knock-off purse…knock it off! Come
on ladies, we know Coach hasn’t made that pattern in that color yes and Louis
Vuitton’s don’t look that damn glossy! I really don’t see why you need to front…
·
In fact, stay in your lane this summer! Just
because the breeze is minimal doesn’t mean that your electric and other bills
don’t have to be paid this month. You don’t have to dance on every set; it is
OK to sit a weekend or three out to preserve the funds, because like Stu, your
rent is due!
·
I get e-mails from DSW and Shoe Dazzle every day, you
should too, because your shoe game should be official this summer. You should be making visits to a store with a
large selection of shoes at least twice per week to peruse the inventory and
take stock of what you need to be rocking this summer. There’s no way you
should be rocking your winter heels to a party this summer and fellas those
clunky Steve Madden’s you got in November are also a no-go this time of year!
·
By the way, Timbs with shorts faded with Dark
Man X!
·
Learn the words to anything 2 Chainz spits on
and the words to “Cashin’ Out”…you know, “smoking on Keisha”!
·
Teachers, no one cares that you’re off for two
months, keep that to yourselves and keep an eye on your tenure! Besides, you
need to find new strategies to ensure your kids are passing the State exams!
·
Can we agree the destruction dark liquor causes
is enough that we should move away from it for a few months? All of the R.I.P.
T-shirts and babies born the following spring are more than enough reason to
consume a few more mojitos or skinny margaritas until Labor Day!
·
I have a question (as serious as Cancer), doesn’t
your scalp need to breath? I can imagine what your head smells like beneath
that velvet weave or wig! Do yourself a favor and free your mind a few months
and let the skin around your sideburns breathe a little and avoid the sweat
that invisible part causes.
·
Fellas, if you insist on letting your toes
breathe publicly, at least get them touched up a couple of times this summer.
If your lady can strike a match on your heel…they shouldn’t be showing!
·
What’s the difference between a barbeque and
cookout?
·
Many of you have saved since last year (save =
not paying the light bill, wearing the same weave for two months or not paying
child support) to take an expensive vacation this summer. Please be humble
about your trip, because your friends do not take kindly to hearing about you
going to some exotic locale where the water is indigo blue and they're gonna be
spending a few days looking at the brown water of the Jersey shore. Besides,
they'll have lights, their hair done and no warrants when you return…
·
Those of you that have purchased new homes in
the last few months, do not let your friends and family convince you that your
new house is the cookout spot, you know them niggas are not gonna come out of
pocket for all of that chicken they eat and you know your sister ain’t helping
you clean up week after week!
·
If he doesn’t call, so what, next weekend is
another chance to meet a new guy. If she calls too much, cut her loose, she’ll
be your baby mama by Election Day!
·
With that in mind, make sure you’re registered
to vote and prepared to keep the country going in the right direction.
·
As a matter of fact, let’s limit those cookouts
to the backyard, I hate seeing grills next to the front stairs…
·
To go even further, one of my neighbors was
ironing in his front yard last weekend…Nigga!
·
Find yourself in an amusement park this summer,
act like a kid again for at least four or five hours. Stop the Ice Cream Man
with no intention of buying something, play 1-2-3 Red Light, do something that
reminds you of the days when you smiled for no reason at all.
·
Many of
us have RSVP'd for a wedding or two, which in itself is a summer ritual, but no
reason for you to act a fool. There are special wedding rules like:
o
Don't take someone you're not ready to marry to
a wedding
o
Don't take someone in anticipation of seeing
your ex.
o
If it's an open bar (rare because your friends
are cheap) go easy, nothing worse than being the sloppy drunk at the wedding,
too much space for embarrassment.
o
Do not spend the next month talking to him about
the wedding, it is not going to make him settle down with you.
o
Stop trying to catch the bouquet; nobody is
marrying your trifling self!
o
Fellas stop hitting on everything with estrogen
at the wedding; the bride's auntie is off limits!
o
And please keep your comments to yourself for
the day, stop hating because your girl beat you to the alter or you think your
boy is trying to turn an ex-stripper into Claire Huxtable.
·
Nair, Satin Care, Skintimate, and Venus are just
a few of the products ladies should be well acquainted with over the next few
months. If those products irritate your skin, a wax or two won’t hurt. In any
case, looking like you have a midget in a headlock is not a good look!
·
Get your eyebrows done too!
·
I know summer inspires outdoor fun, but that
doesn’t excuse adding a little culture to your itinerary. Check out your local
museums for exhibits and installations for the summer, there are plenty of free
concerts going down as well as a few of your favorites coming to a venue near
you. Trust me, it can’t all be drinks and late-night texts…
·
Let go of the drama! No complaining until after
Labor Day! There’s a new sun in the sky each morning, which means there’s a new
opportunity each day for happiness, no need to harbor the pain of those cloudy
days of winter and spring.
·
Trojan has a whole new exciting line of condoms
for you to sample this sample, one too many of you are adding to your household
size, but the dollars don’t add up!
·
Do yourself a favor and learn to swim, you’re
not too sexy to get in the water!
·
Let’s keep an eye on our elders this summer…keep
them cool, keep them engaged and make sure they get to church, you need all of
the prayers you can get!
·
The most important rule of them all is to be
safe this summer, some folks are out there fired up on hate, jealousy and
Hennessey, just looking to ruin someone's fun. Stay clear of them, keep your
nose out of folks' affairs, follow the preceding rules and you'll have an
enjoyable summer.
1 comment
Great summer tips as always! ~Bilquis
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