Number 9, Should've Been Number 1 to Me...The 2013 Summer Rules.

It seems as if it’s taken forever, but we’ve finally made our way back to summer and not a moment too soon. Rainy days and cooler nights prevented spring from having that transitional feel, so we’re diving into summer headfirst and as usual, wrong. The rising temperatures coincide with the lowering of my belief in humanity as summer brings out the worst (thinking it’s their best) in many of us; I’ve created a list of rules that can be your template to an enjoyable summer and possibly decrease your chances of offending folks daily.  

 ü  Whether it’s a quick trip to Walmart, a dreaded Monday morning or a concert in the park, there’s never a reason for you to leave the house without putting lotion on. The layers are coming off and hem lines rising, so you’ve got to take a little more time and hit more than just that fleshy patch of skin between your thumb and index finger. An extra two or three minutes to your routine is not going to hurt; in fact, it will help your situation a great deal. I don’t care if you use cocoa or shea butter, Nivea, Aveeno or good ol’ Vaseline, get your skin together before you step out into the world.
§  Please be sure to touch your Achilles area and those heels at least three times per day when you have your feet out or you’re rocking ankle socks.
 ü  That leads me to a new rule this season; fellas get your sock drawer in order! It really doesn’t make sense for you to go out with
over-the-calf socks on with your shorts and sneakers. Who are you, Zach Randolph? Head to Walmart and go crazy in the sock aisle! Grab a couple packs of ankle socks (black, brown and white) and be sure to get the no-show style too if you’re wearing Pumas or something else with an extremely low style. If you’re into those crazy colors and designs that match your outfit a little too much, at least keep the colors vivid.
 ü  There are new types of deodorant hitting the shelves daily. It really doesn’t make any sense for grown ass people to not be aware of their body chemistry and what works for their body under the pressure of the humidity summer brings. I’ve seen thirteen brands that offer 24-hour protection and all kinds of fresh new scents, it’s unacceptable to smell like you’ve ran a full at 10am!
 ü  I know quite a few of you have spent the last few months going hard to get “Summertime fine”, but keep in mind, many of you have teenagers and it’s not a good look for you to tag your kids in pictures of you in bikinis and revealing outfits. I doubt your son wants to fight every day because his friends are getting nice to your photos.
 ü  While on the subject, can we please make a pact; I’ll keep my stomach in if you keep yours in. I know you spent a day or two covered in Saran wrap, but some things are best left to the comfort of your home and not the line at Rita’s Ice.
 ü  Fellas, stop running to the closest “fine goods” store and racking up on all the linen suit separates! It’s really kinda wack when you and four or five other cats have the exact same hookup on at that cruise to nowhere.
 ü  I know you a ton of you are still hitting those “White Affairs” with regularity, so let’s be sure to inspect our outfits under the best light, I’ve seen quite a few of you trying to show the consistency between ivory and snow and failing miserably.
 ü  Remember to check on the old folks in your lives; you know some of them hate turning on the air and try to get by with Martin Luther King Jr. church fans.
 ü  You still buying knock-offs? Come on, there’s no reason for you to try to keep up with the Joneses, Kardashians or that chick in the cubical next to you, her car is probably about to be repossessed. Just be you and stay in your financial lane, it’s not hurting anyone but you to try to keep up your appearances.
 ü  I know you see Kimora Lee’s greasy neck on those Just Fab commercials, there’s no reason why you should be kicking around in run over shoes. There are a million places for you to get your feet together that won’t break the bank; I suggest you check a few of them out.
 ü  That goes for you too fellas, it’s not a good look for you to walk up on a lodi dodi rocking Brograns, hit the clearance rack at DSW and find you a nice summer shoe.
 ü  Many of us will overdo it during the week this summer, simply because it’s, well, summer. Stay hydrated, chase your drinks with water and keep Gatorade in the pantry at home, you don’t want to blow through your days due to hangover.
 ü  On the topic of liquor, stay away from dark liquor the next few months. We know dark liquors, near 100 degree temperature and Niggas will have too many of pouring out a little liquor. Keep it light this summer, many of us want to make it to football season.
 ü  I know many ladies have decided to go natural over the past few months and I applaud you, but don’t let that be the reason you’re not doing your hair. There are plenty of instructional You Tube videos showing how to give you some fresh with your natural.
 ü  That’s not sweat you see on the foreheads of quite a few women, those are the tears of the millions of scalps being
suffocated by two foot weaves and polyester wigs. Perhaps if VH1 or Tyler Perry said it was OK to wear what’s yours we could get past spending rent money on a new weave, you know, because they are the most influential forces in Black America today.
 ü  There are too many free events going on for folks to be snuggled up in the house running the light bill up. Just Google the closest big city to you and watch your calendar fill up.
 ü  Those of you with a little change in your pocket, heading to wear the water is so blue, please share no more the 7-10 pictures via social media. I told you Niggas are drinking Hennessey and hate, I’m trying to save you.
 ü  I know quite a few of you have received the keys to new homes recently; don’t let your cousins designate your place as the spot for cookouts all summer. They never bring food, don’t help clean and if asked to bring anything, they show up with paper plates and a back pocket bottle of Hennessey.
Back Pocket Jakes
 ü  If he hasn’t called you in the three days since you’ve met, on to the next one. If she texted you before you left the party where you met, change your number tomorrow!
 ü  Don’t lose sight of upcoming elections while you’re out getting your groove on.
 ü  Read a book, or three, do something to expose yourself to something outside of your norm.
 ü  Have fun at least twice this summer. I mean real fun. So much fun that your old ass can’t get off the couch for a day or two. Go to an amusement or water park, play kickball, do something that reminds you of when life was simple.
 ü  I saw a commercial last night for a hair removal gel that lasts up to 28 days. Get three of them. Sexist as it may sound, a woman’s legs should be clean. Her underarms too. While I’m at it, make sure you’re getting your eyebrows touched up too, doesn’t make sense for some of you to be running around looking like J. Cole!
 ü  Fellas, I know times are hard and it costs a grip to get your haircut, but try to keep your hairline fresh. Many of us have started receding and it look really wild when you don’t have a fresh shape-up and you’ve got that George Jefferson thing going.
 ü  Wedding season is upon us and many of us have procrastinated long enough in mailing in our RSVP, but there’s a subset of rules that go along with attending weddings:
§  Don't take someone you're not ready to marry to a wedding
§  Don't take someone in anticipation of seeing your ex.
§  If it's an open bar (rare because your friends are cheap) go easy, nothing worse than being the sloppy drunk at the wedding, too much space for embarrassment.
§  Do not spend the next month talking to him about the wedding; it is not going to make him settle down with you.
§  Stop trying to catch the bouquet; nobody is marrying your trifling self!
§  Fellas stop hitting on everything with estrogen at the wedding; the bride's auntie is off limits!
§  And please keep your comments to yourself for the day, stop hating because your girl beat you to the alter or you think your boy is a sucka for marrying the chick he met at Onyx.
 ü  Finally, summer is too short for your round the clock complaining. Me, or anyone I know, is trying to hear your constant griping. This is a time for new journeys to begin, to collect new experiences and create moments that last a lifetime. None of that jives with your whining about what ain’t right or how you’ve been done wrong. I’ve got a mojito in my hand, something smooth on my feet and stuff you’re talking goes in one ear and right out the other.

Happy Summer!


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