It seems as if it’s taken forever, but we’ve finally made
our way back to summer and not a moment too soon. Rainy days and cooler nights
prevented spring from having that transitional feel, so we’re diving into
summer headfirst and as usual, wrong. The rising temperatures coincide with the
lowering of my belief in humanity as summer brings out the worst (thinking it’s
their best) in many of us; I’ve created a list of rules that can be your
template to an enjoyable summer and possibly decrease your chances of offending
folks daily.
ü
Whether it’s a quick trip to Walmart, a dreaded
Monday morning or a concert in the park, there’s never a reason for you to
leave the house without putting lotion on. The layers are coming off and hem
lines rising, so you’ve got to take a little more time and hit more than just
that fleshy patch of skin between your thumb and index finger. An extra two or
three minutes to your routine is not going to hurt; in fact, it will help your
situation a great deal. I don’t care if you use cocoa or shea butter, Nivea,
Aveeno or good ol’ Vaseline, get your skin together before you step out into
the world.
§
Please be sure to touch your Achilles area and
those heels at least three times per day when you have your feet out or you’re
rocking ankle socks.
ü
That leads me to a new rule this season; fellas
get your sock drawer in order! It really doesn’t make sense for you to go out
with
ü
There are new types of deodorant hitting the
shelves daily. It really doesn’t make any sense for grown ass people to not be
aware of their body chemistry and what works for their body under the pressure
of the humidity summer brings. I’ve seen thirteen brands that offer 24-hour
protection and all kinds of fresh new scents, it’s unacceptable to smell like
you’ve ran a full at 10am!
ü
I know quite a few of you have spent the last
few months going hard to get “Summertime fine”, but keep in mind, many of you
have teenagers and it’s not a good look for you to tag your kids in pictures of
you in bikinis and revealing outfits. I doubt your son wants to fight every day
because his friends are getting nice to your photos.
ü
While on the subject, can we please make a pact;
I’ll keep my stomach in if you keep yours in. I know you spent a day or two
covered in Saran wrap, but some things are best left to the comfort of your
home and not the line at Rita’s Ice.
ü
Fellas, stop running to the closest “fine goods”
store and racking up on all the linen
suit separates! It’s really kinda wack when you and four or five other cats
have the exact same hookup on at that cruise to nowhere.
ü
I know you a ton of you are still hitting those “White
Affairs” with regularity, so let’s be sure to inspect our outfits under the
best light, I’ve seen quite a few of you trying to show the consistency between
ivory and snow and failing miserably.
ü
Remember to check on the old folks in your
lives; you know some of them hate turning on the air and try to get by with
Martin Luther King Jr. church fans.
ü
You still buying knock-offs? Come on, there’s no
reason for you to try to keep up with the Joneses, Kardashians or that chick in
the cubical next to you, her car is probably about to be repossessed. Just be
you and stay in your financial lane, it’s not hurting anyone but you to try to
keep up your appearances.
ü
I know you see Kimora Lee’s greasy neck on those
Just Fab commercials, there’s no reason why you should be kicking around in run
over shoes. There are a million places for you to get your feet together that
won’t break the bank; I suggest you check a few of them out.
ü
That goes for you too fellas, it’s not a good
look for you to walk up on a lodi dodi rocking Brograns, hit the clearance
rack at DSW and find you a nice summer shoe.
ü
Many of us will overdo it during the week this
summer, simply because it’s, well, summer. Stay hydrated, chase your drinks
with water and keep Gatorade in the pantry at home, you don’t want to blow
through your days due to hangover.
ü
On the topic of liquor, stay away from dark
liquor the next few months. We know dark liquors, near 100 degree temperature
and Niggas will have too many of pouring out a little liquor. Keep it light
this summer, many of us want to make it to football season.
ü
I know many ladies have decided to go natural
over the past few months and I applaud you, but don’t let that be the reason
you’re not doing your hair. There are plenty of instructional You Tube videos showing
how to give you some fresh with your natural.
ü
That’s not sweat you see on the foreheads of
quite a few women, those are the tears of the millions of scalps being
ü
There are too many free events going on for
folks to be snuggled up in the house running the light bill up. Just Google the
closest big city to you and watch your calendar fill up.
ü Those of you with a little change in your
pocket, heading to wear the water is so blue, please share no more the 7-10
pictures via social media. I told you Niggas are drinking Hennessey and hate, I’m
trying to save you.
ü
I know quite a few of you have received the keys
to new homes recently; don’t let your cousins designate your place as the spot
for cookouts all summer. They never bring food, don’t help clean and if asked
to bring anything, they show up with paper plates and a back pocket bottle of
Hennessey.
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| Back Pocket Jakes |
ü
If he hasn’t called you in the three days since
you’ve met, on to the next one. If she texted you before you left the party
where you met, change your number tomorrow!
ü Don’t lose sight of upcoming elections while you’re
out getting your groove on.
ü
Read a book, or three, do something to expose
yourself to something outside of your norm.
ü
Have fun at least twice this summer. I mean real
fun. So much fun that your old ass can’t get off the couch for a day or two. Go
to an amusement or water park, play kickball, do something that reminds you of
when life was simple.
ü
I saw a commercial last night for a hair removal
gel that lasts up to 28 days. Get three of them. Sexist as it may sound, a
woman’s legs should be clean. Her underarms too. While I’m at it, make sure you’re
getting your eyebrows touched up too, doesn’t make sense for some of you to be
running around looking like J. Cole!
ü
Fellas, I know times are hard and it costs a
grip to get your haircut, but try to keep your hairline fresh. Many of us have
started receding and it look really wild when you don’t have a fresh shape-up and you’ve got that George Jefferson
thing going.
ü
Wedding season is upon us and many of us have
procrastinated long enough in mailing in our RSVP, but there’s a subset of
rules that go along with attending weddings:
§ Don't
take someone you're not ready to marry to a wedding
§ Don't
take someone in anticipation of seeing your ex.
§ If it's
an open bar (rare because your friends are cheap) go easy, nothing worse than
being the sloppy drunk at the wedding, too much space for embarrassment.
§ Do not
spend the next month talking to him about the wedding; it is not going to make
him settle down with you.
§ Stop
trying to catch the bouquet; nobody is marrying your trifling self!
§ Fellas
stop hitting on everything with estrogen at the wedding; the bride's auntie is
off limits!
§ And
please keep your comments to yourself for the day, stop hating because your
girl beat you to the alter or you think your boy is a sucka for marrying the
chick he met at Onyx.
ü
Finally, summer is too short for your round the clock complaining.
Me, or anyone I know, is trying to hear your constant griping. This is a time
for new journeys to begin, to collect new experiences and create moments that
last a lifetime. None of that jives with your whining about what ain’t right or
how you’ve been done wrong. I’ve got a mojito in my hand, something smooth on
my feet and stuff you’re talking goes in one ear and right out the other.
Happy
Summer!
Teef
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