Psalm 73:25
That's the verse that sits atop a cross on my right bicept. Today is my Grandmother's birthday, she would've been 63 today, had she not passed just about 10 years ago. Since then, this time of the year has never been good for me, I usually crawl into a shell for a few days and think about her. I remember the day she passed, it was a Wednesday and I had an 8am Psychology course with Dr. Bruel and was supposed to take my Driver's Test at 11am, but it was raining really hard and I didn't want to do anything.
So, I sat at the desk in my dorm room and scribbled in my notebook until the phone rang, it was my Aunt and she was trying to get in contact with my mother who was on vacation. I couldn't understand why she needed to talk to her and she didn't want to tell me (why didn't you want to tell me Danielle?), she just kept asking for my mom's cell phone number. Finally, she said "it's Mommy, Mommie's gone", I put the phone down and started crying, I haven't stopped since.
I sat in the shower last night for 90 minutes letting the water fall directly on my head to hide my tears, because I was teased alot as a child for showing my emotions so freely, I've learned to hide them pretty well over the years. I sat there, remembering that phone call, remembering seeing her on my Great-Grandmother's couch, remembering how she said "good shot!" to anything good, remember the smile on her face as she watched me play basketball and baseball, I remember her showing us how to "walk the dog", remembering how much she loved Darryl Strawberry and Patrick Ewing, remembering the beating I got for buying Garbage Pail Kids trading cards with her change and telling her the man cheated me. I remember her picking me and my Aunt up from school every Friday, taking us to get subs and renting movies and just hanging out.
My arms are covered with tattoos dedicated to her memory, but my life is where I really show how much she meant to me, because like the rest of my family, we all have her traits that show up in our personalities. I remember her raising a family of 6 collecting welfare and working, just to make ends meet, I remember her teaching me how to clean the bathroom, teaching me what it means to be a man, teaching me how to treat a woman, I remember everything, I just wish she was here. She was more than my Grandmother, for the first few years of my life I thought she was my mother and I called her Mommy, I still do.
As I sat in that shower, emotions going through my head, tears flowing from my eyes, talking to her like I do when the weight of the world is a little too heavy on my shoulders, all I could do was break into a song...
I've been so many places in my life and times
I've sung a lot of songs
I've made some bad rhymes
I've acted out my life in stages
With 10,000 people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song to you
I know your image of me is what I hoped to be
I treated you unkindly
And darling can't you see
There's no one more important to me
Baby can't you see through me
Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song to you
You taught me precious secrets
Of a true love , Withholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
Now I'm so much better
And if my words dont come together
Listen to the melody
Cuz my love is in there hiding
I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for my life
You' re a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song to you
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