Why Must My Arms Feel So Empty for What My Heart Still Holds?

No one has the right words for you. No one can understand your pain. But I wrote this for you.

When you’re reciting your vows, there are words you say, but you’re really not invested in. For instance, “in sickness and in health” or “’til death do us part”, don’t matter at the time, because your love is invincible. But what happens when illness insinuates itself into your marriage and ultimately death ends your love story? How do you stop crying? How do sleep in the bed you’ve shared? How can you not be angry at God? 

As believers, we’re taught that God has a plan, but it’s hard to understand how this can be part of His plan. I know it seems selfish, but how can I live life abundantly when love has been ripped from my arms? What’s the lesson to be learned? What’s the test? Who was being tested?  

You close your eyes and think of the moments you’ve had together; you curse yourself for days spent angry or not loving one another as much as you should have, but you remember that smile and it brings you to tears. You remember that you and her slept beneath the same stars separately for years before you found your way to one another and stared at those same stars holding hands in places your love touched. 

Somehow you have to soldier on, make arrangements, and be strong for everyone else when you really want to lock yourself in a room and listen to her favorite songs, hoping to catch a glimpse of her through your tears or smell her scent on your pillow. There’s pain, real pain, pain that could never be quantified and all of the phone calls, visits, thoughts and prayers will never alleviate. But you smile. You smile because you realize these people loved her and they love you because of how much you loved her. It doesn’t remove the pain and take away the fact that you can’t hold her again, but it helps comfort you in the first days.

But what happens when the calls stop coming and the plates of food are no longer being dropped off? When your home is just a house? How do you not give up on life when so much of your living was because of this love? The clichés and usual statements have little meaning and you pray until cry and cry until you begin praying, hoping that something points you in the right direction. It’s hard, because through this person you’ve experienced the highest of highs and now you’ve reached your lowest, so I can’t blame you for being angry at anyone, everyone. Sometimes you just have to let people be who they are and deal with their emotions the ways they feel best. You’ve been reshaped by this love and God has held you long enough for you to know this isn’t the end.

In a world of disappointment, God blessed you with her and that can never be taken away.

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