No one has the right words for you. No one can understand
your pain. But I wrote this for you.
When you’re reciting your vows, there are words you say, but
you’re really not invested in. For instance, “in sickness and in health” or “’til
death do us part”, don’t matter at the time, because your love is invincible.
But what happens when illness insinuates itself into your marriage and
ultimately death ends your love story? How do you stop crying? How do sleep in the
bed you’ve shared? How can you not be angry at God?
As believers, we’re taught
that God has a plan, but it’s hard to understand how this can be part of His
plan. I know it seems selfish, but how can I live life abundantly when love has
been ripped from my arms? What’s the lesson to be learned? What’s the test? Who
was being tested?
You close your eyes and think of the moments you’ve had
together; you curse yourself for days spent angry or not loving one another as
much as you should have, but you remember that smile and it brings you to
tears. You remember that you and her slept beneath the same stars separately for
years before you found your way to one another and stared at those same stars
holding hands in places your love touched.
Somehow you have to soldier on,
make arrangements, and be strong for everyone else when you really want to lock
yourself in a room and listen to her favorite songs, hoping to catch a glimpse
of her through your tears or smell her scent on your pillow. There’s pain, real
pain, pain that could never be quantified and all of the phone calls, visits,
thoughts and prayers will never alleviate. But you smile. You smile because you
realize these people loved her and they love you because of how much you loved
her. It doesn’t remove the pain and take away the fact that you can’t hold her
again, but it helps comfort you in the first days.
But what happens when the calls stop coming and the plates
of food are no longer being dropped off? When your home is just a house? How do
you not give up on life when so much of your living was because of this love?
The clichés and usual statements have little meaning and you pray until cry and
cry until you begin praying, hoping that something points you in the right
direction. It’s hard, because through this person you’ve experienced the
highest of highs and now you’ve reached your lowest, so I can’t blame you for
being angry at anyone, everyone. Sometimes you just have to let people be who
they are and deal with their emotions the ways they feel best. You’ve been
reshaped by this love and God has held you long enough for you to know this isn’t
the end.
In a world of disappointment, God blessed you with her and that
can never be taken away.
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